Hi There, I'm Mel

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It has been a little over a year since I found myself alone, lost, scared. More terrified than I ever felt with my Husband's hands grasped around my throat. Now I am learning that survival means growth, accepting that it was not my fault, and understanding that I am far from alone in this journey. 

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Last thing I'd say

Once in a while I wonder what I would say to my husband if he gave me five minutes of his time. What I could say to him, if for a short while I could unload. The truth is the answer to this has evolved over the past year. Morphed and changed, growing and shrinking as I too evolved.

Several nights ago this scenario danced through my head again. This time only a single thought crossed my mind.

There was no anger; I didn't fantasize about lashing out with a furious tongue. Using all those words my friends had used a year ago.

There was no regret; I didn't feel sorry or sad or hate either the marriage, the ten years, the pain I endured 
both pre and post.

There were no explanations. No questions. There were no long winded speeches plump full of tangents about how I'm better of or why nothing will ever feel the same.

There was no apologies. No guilt.

There was no I miss you or I hate you. No I loved you.

All I have left to say to him was please figure you out. Please understand what makes you hurt, understand who you are.
Be emotionally intelligent.

Realize that tough doesn't make you a man. You may hurt, curse the world and break down. Its okay. It doesn't make you less valuable to anyone. You may even become more connected.

Maybe this has nothing to do with why you got angry. Why you hit me and yelled instead of talking to me. Just remember that you may have lost something because the only way you knew to show hurt was to make someone else hurt too.

If you find someone better for you.  And you might.  Treat her well. Talk to her. Tell her she's disappointed you. Or you parents upset you. Tell her you're scared.

I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in life. Goodbye.