Today I am falling to pieces. A year ago I was embarking on single digit countdown to my wedding. prepping and preening. Today I am sitting in my box typing, remembering how good it felt to be dreaming of a future where I was happy. The ironic bit is, now that I have one I am finding it difficult, near impossible to accept it. Instead, I just want to go back. I want someone to take care of me when I am sick, I want to stop feeling alone no matter where I am, I want to stop feeling irreparably broken.
What is worse is I have become bitter and reclusive, the hours I have adapted to working don't help. They allow me to hide behind something, to play my role and offer me the longest reprieve from myself.
I find myself getting angry at people I love, no matter what they do. If they want to talk about it I am angry for them not minding their business, if they don't call I am upset that they don't care. The best part is I know it is me.
I can't figure out my brain, it feels like ping pong balls are loose inside my head. Every time they connect with my brain a new thought is triggered, I can't keep up, I can't make sense of anything.