Hi There, I'm Mel

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It has been a little over a year since I found myself alone, lost, scared. More terrified than I ever felt with my Husband's hands grasped around my throat. Now I am learning that survival means growth, accepting that it was not my fault, and understanding that I am far from alone in this journey. 

Thursday, 18 April 2013

On my Way Out of the Storm.

It is easy to be confused when the earth shifts.
It is easy to be scared.

It is easy to lose focus or to focus on the wrong things. To let your priorities fall through the cracks that have appeared. Four months after my world ruptured this is what I am facing. I am facing the challenge of rediscovering my life as it now exists. I am facing my old friends, many of who don't know the whole story. I am slowly looping people back into my world, sharing what I have been through, explaining not making excuses for my absence.

For the first little while my life was a party, I drank and I hid and I tried to forget that my old life had existed at all. I worked until the office was dark, sometimes I would sit there and stare out the window dreading the thought of again going to sleep on my mother's couch.

Drinking wore off, the hangovers mixed with the sleep deprivation and long hours began to wear on me. Slowly I became more and more depressed. I felt fifteen, I felt lost, I felt broken and empty and alone.

I would alternate the friends I would talk to on bad days so they would think I was doing better than I was. I didn't want to see their faces, I reminded me of that old life, the old life I wish would have washed from my memories with one of the blows to the head.

Four months later it is better, much better than before. Not quite okay. I've spent hours curled up on my friends bed as he hugged me until I ran out of tears, as I talked or cried. I've had days where  memories will flash and I will lose my mind in the back of a bus, or in the washroom at a bar. I've had moments where I smile more than I think I could. Finally I am starting to feel whole. I have begun to mend friendships neglected and give back to the people who have helped me. Though I know I am a while away from perfect, I am out of the storm a little more each day.