The last time I saw my Husband he was sitting on the corner of the sectional. I looked over my shoulder at him and my heart broke, I knew it was over, I knew I was out, and I was scared.
It was 12 hours earlier that he began the last chapter of our relationship. I wasn't right, I had come home at 3am after a night out with my co-workers, I had been away for the weekend and for a week prior to that had been staying with my Mom, I don't know why I went back to my condo that night. I am stubborn, I was intoxicated and figured it was my apartment too.
This was a dumb decision. Maybe the worst I have ever made.
I wanted to get away, to dance and laugh and smile, to feel like the weight of the world wasn't on me, for just a couple of hours.
Still, I was Married. I was suppose to be at home with my husband, never mind that I am 26.
I knew it was coming when I walked through the door. He was lying on the couch, waiting.
As I quietly entered my apartment and walked past him on the way to the bedroom my chest hurt. I was scared, I knew this wouldn't be the beatings I had grown used to.
I heard him shout from the doorway, insisting that I give him my cellphone so he could filter through the texts. It was dead, as it turned on I could hear the notifications alerting me of incoming messages. Just friends, informing me that they had found their way home.
Stubbornly I declined. He had taken everything. 2 weeks earlier he told me that I was going to be picked up at 6pm every day from the office, I wasn't to see my friends or go out. I was his wife and would play by his rules.
Dumb, I should have given him the Phone.
Then the iPhone, decked out in a heavy duty Otterbox slammed into my kneecap, splitting it open.
I remember that pain like it was 5 minutes ago. When I run my finger across the scar I relive that moment, I relive that moment a lot.
I regret a lot of mistakes I made that day, I have spent countless hours pawing through the memories like data. Understanding what I could have changed to alter the outcome. I've made myself crazy with wonder and guilt and anger.
It has been a struggle but I am learning to understand that I made choices that resulted in actions, I helped craft this story. The outcome is I am ALIVE and maybe a bit broken, but broken is okay.
Before I close this post I want to share something with you. If you have heard of Sevenly they are a great company that makes lovely T's and donates $7 from each of them to a charity of the week. This week the Organization is NEXT DOOR who provides support for Women and Children who are in or have survived situations of domestic violence. Buy a shirt, support this great organization.